My whole life changed in lockdown

 Wow, it has been far too long!

Lockdown went on forever, and my life changed so much in that time. My blog, my hair, my selfies, all put on hold as I embarked on a brand new journey: motherhood!

Finally after years of praying, hoping and almost giving up, I was blessed with the beautiful gift of a daughter. Nyla Lorena Ambrose came into the world on 7th April 2021 and completed me. 7lb 8oz of absolute perfection! 

I knew motherhood was going to be amazing, but I was still unprepared for how much love I could feel for someone. This little person I carried inside me for 9 months, is the most amazing. 

Her birth was far from how I had dreamt and I doubt I will have anymore after the trauma of it. An emergency c-section, a lot of pain and not even getting to hear her cry right away as she was rushed away. Thankfully she was ok, as she was stuck in my pelvis, I later learnt, so stuck that they needed to make an extra cut higher up and get her out by her legs. Thankfully my girl is strong and after a few nights in NICU, she was moved onto the ward with me and we were home not long after. 

 No matter how tired I was with sleepless nights, I look down at my girl and smile. 

Life was busy, and so I had to take a writing break. Between cuddles, feeds, clingy baby and adapting to a new life, I just haven't had time for my hair or motivation to write. 

In July things took a downward slope, as I discovered a lump on my baby. She was only 3 months old. I got her straight to the doctors and within 3 days we were sent to the hospital and they decided to do an ultrasound which came back inconclusive, and so we were kept in. She then had to have an MRI for which she had to be starved for the day, and then put to sleep. I had never been so scared or worried in my life. It was awful hearing her screaming as they put needles in her, it was too much for me and I had to walk away leaving her dad to be there for that part. I felt helpless. We were kept in a few nights and the MRI also came back inconclusive. 

They then sat us down and said that there was a possibility that this was a tumour and how serious, they didn't know. They said the best option now was to do a biopsy and send it off to the labs, if this was also inconclusive then they would have to remove it for further testing. Eventually it was decided that they would skip the biopsy, and move straight to removing it. My poor girl. We were so worried. 

Again she had to be put to sleep for the operation, I was in bits. I just wanted to take it all away from her. She was starved again, poked, prodded, needles, medications. The whole time, she was so brave. No fussing, still her usual smiling babbling self, while in a whole new environment. I was of course allowed to stay with her, and out of worry and needing her to be close to me, this is where us co-sleeping began. I needed to hold her and have her in my arms and as close to me as possible, and she needed me to be. 

Having her come round from the operation was emotional. She was croaky, confused, tired and sore. They had a monitor hooked onto her to check her heart and breathing. This alerted us more than once that she had stopped breathing for a moment, but they said it was normal and not long enough to worry. 

She recovered so well and we were allowed home to wait for the results from the lab. 

Unfortunately during our time in the hospital, her dad decided to call time on our relationship, and moved out of our home. I came out of that hospital worried sick about our daughter, a poorly baby in pain, and the fact I was now a single mum and had to do this all on my own. 

As you can imagine, my head was in bits. It took weeks for the results to come back, but they ruled that it was just a benign growth, nothing serious and there was no evidence of any more or anything to suggest it would be back. It measured 2x3cm and left her with a small scar under her rib where it was taken from. She healed so well, 2 days after leaving the hospital she didn't need any pain medication anymore, and she didn't even seem to notice her stitches. I am so proud of how she handled everything. 

Being a single mum isn't something I saw coming, but I feel like I have adapted well and we fell into a routine. She still sees her dad weekly, and is such a happy little baby. 

Now that she is old enough to sit and play independently, and spends full days with her dad, I am hoping to get back into my blog! There's so much content I want to share with you all. So much has changed, been learnt/experienced, plus writing is so good for my mental health! 

So expect lots of mummy content soon. 

Peace and love always

Candi