A letter to my younger self

Dear Candice, 

                   Recently i have reflected a lot on the past. The way we felt about our-self, the things we went through. It hurts me now, to think we thought the things that we did. 

I know how many times you want to run away, how many times you want to disappear. Baby girl if only you knew how strong you are! Your strength has helped create the person that i am today. The person that YOU are going to be. 

If i could do one thing, it would be to reach into the past, to be there now while you cry in our bedroom, and give you a hug. To tell you that it will be OK, because i know it doesn't seem like it now, but it will. 

You are stronger than you think that you are. You are more beautiful than you think you are. Baby girl you are incredible. 

It feels like the whole world is against you, but your team is bigger than you think. What if i told you, that one day you and Nicole are going to be best friends? That nights out together, random phone calls, and lots of laughs together was a regular thing? Yea, i wouldn't have believed it either, but it's true. One day, she is going to be your first point of call! 

She can say somethings to push you over the edge, and those fights ... i get it. But one day a girl is going to annoy you on a night out, and someone is going to have to hold your sister back from killing her! No one can touch you when she's around, trust me, she loves you. So maybe try be a bit nicer to her?

Mum may not understand how you feel, but she is the greatest friend you will ever have. Don't take her for granted. Be nicer to her. You can tell her anything, and she will always listen. Don't be so scared to talk to her. I know it's easier to yell at her, because she will let you. She puts up with the shouting, the yelling, because she loves you. You're too hard on her. Mum is always there! One day you are going to open up to her, she's going to know everything, and you will have the best relationship. That woman is incredible. 

Don't mind Dad. I know he shouts a lot, i know he doesn't understand why you don't stand up for yourself, but just wants to protect you. Pay close attention when he's got you in the kitchen with him. I know you feel like it's a chore, but one day you're going to thank him. You'll thank him for the holidays, the chores, and for teaching you how to make chicken. 

You think now that you want to leave home and never speak to them again, but i promise you will snap out of that. Hold onto the memories you are making and your time with them both at home. You call them now a lot more than you thought you would. 

Keep an eye on Marcus. That boy grows up far too fast. One minute he's that cheeky little baby running around naked, then the next ... well you'll see.

Don't stop writing. I know how much it helps you escape. You will come back to it in so many ways and one day, this blog will be born. A space you can write how you feel without being judged, a place you can inspire others. Yeah i know, we inspire people! 

Let down that curly hair. That bun is doing no favours. You have the most amazing hair, so long, so curly. If only you could see what i do. I know you're reading this like "yea right" but if only you knew what was to come.

They're wrong what they say you know. You're nose is far from big, you're not even close to being ugly, and the world is not a better place if you disappear. You are wanted, and loved, and you will always be wanted and loved! It's easier said then done, but block them out! One day your inbox is going to have friend requests from them, they're going to comment on your pictures that you are beautiful, confess to liking you. Trust me i'm from the future, it happens. 

 

I know that high school is even harder. I'm sorry it got so far. I'm sorry for the things i let us go through. The pain, the hurt and all those tears. I'm so proud of you for still standing. I know what's to come is going to be hard, but i promise you we make it out stronger than ever. 

I know you don't want to talk to your councillor or anyone about it. I know you would rather lock it away, but this is going to help. She will show you how incredible you are, how strong you are, you will feel better and you will stop. 

Pick your head up baby girl. Don't be afraid to look at your self in the mirror. All of this self hate is going to disappear. I promise you won't always feel this way.

When i think now about how small you were when it all started ... but you got though it. 

Just wait, after school your life is going to change completely. You drop the "ce" and trust me Candi is a whole new person and you will love her. 

I wish you could see how beautiful you really are, how beautiful you have always been. I'm so sorry that people ruined those years of our lives. I'm sorry to use that awful saying "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" but one day you'll understand exactly what it means. 

Keep focusing on your school work, keep writing. Never stop writing. One day you are going to be an inspiration to other people, you are going to tell your story and inspire people. 

Tomorrow when you go to school, pick your head up, walk tall. They're going to call you names, but that's all it is, names. You are more incredible than you will ever know. They may have you falling apart, but you will pick those pieces up and you will not let them break you! 

I just wish i could hug you while you cry. Cry those tears, let them out. Do what ever you need to do to push those thoughts out of your head and keep writing to take away the pain. 

You will get through this, i am proof!

I'm trying to make the future a better one, and trust me it will be and you will be able to look back and learn from this pain! 

Love always,

                  You're older self.

p.s 30 is around the corner .... we don't have a husband and kids and i still feel like i'm a kid! Don't grow up!