Lockdown 2020: mental health

One morning in march, i woke up and looked at the news. Que's of shoppers at supermarkets, fights to get into stores, empty shelves. 

My heart started racing. I looked at a few more articles, Facebook posts, the same thing everywhere. I started to sweat. Then i read the death toll, stories of people seriously ill all over the world. And then i couldn't breathe any more. I came across pictures of old people, stood in empty isles as nothing was left for them, and then the tears started.

As i sat up in bed, in the middle of a panic attack, i thought i must be having a nightmare. I couldn't look anymore. 

Covid-19 had been around for a few weeks now. Just a week before this i had been having a discussion about it and thought it was nothing more than a flu, and that the media was trying to scare us. They had been successful. It finally hit me, the seriousness of what was happening, and that it was a global pandemic. 

I wrote a Facebook status that i was taking a break, as i couldn't bare the news on there any more. My sister called me straight away. She helped me calm down and stop crying, and suggested meeting her for some shopping would help me. I live alone, and we thought some air and company would take my mind off things. 

As we entered the store, i felt a little better that it wasn't as crowded and scary as the news made out. In fact, it was very quiet. And then i saw it. 

...i thought i was going to pass out or throw up 

Aisle after aisle of empty shelves. Each one i went down, made my heart race again. I found it hard to breathe once more, as the reality hit me. My sister, a sufferer of anxiety, helped talk me through some exercises based on keeping me grounded, as by that point i thought i was going to pass out or throw up.  

Never in my 29 years on this earth, have i witnessed what i was seeing now. The shelves had been stripped bare of essentials. It was like something in a film, when the world is about to end.

I got home, and i cried again. I thought back to the day before in work. An old woman had asked me and colleague where she could buy some food, as she couldn't find any anywhere. It broke my heart. It was all feeling very real now. 

On the phone that night, i cried my eyes out to my boyfriend. My heart was breaking for the old and vulnerable, and i was scared what was going to happen. He promised me, if it came to lock down, he wasn't going to let me go through it alone and he would be there the next day. 

I didn't sleep that night. I couldn't. I was obsessed with checking the news, searching for a positive story somewhere in the chaos. I wanted to wake up and it be a dream. 

It wasn't. The next morning i got a call at 7am from my area manager, to let me know the store would be closing after that day. 

Week one of lock down, you enjoy the time you have. With my boyfriend here, i felt a little better knowing i wasn't going to be alone. 

Week two of lock down, you find new things to keep you entertained. New hobbies. I did a few work outs with my boyfriend, vowed to restart my blog. 

Week three, my mind goes back to the news. The death toll rising, more countries in lock down. The lock down period was extended. 

My mood is on and off. Some days i'm waking up with motivation to do things, the weather is nice. Other days, i wake up argumentative and snappy. I don't know what i want to do. 

Week four, i'm motivated again. By now i am snacking, something i haven't done in years. There's nothing else to do. 

Week five, who cares. 

Week six, and here i am finally opening up about what is going on in my head. 

Social media is a dangerous place, when your mind is in this place. Everywhere you turn we are being encouraged and pressured, to "use this time to be productive". 

There's always someone baking a new recipe, finally doing some work outs, or finding a new hobby. What if you are not motivated to do these things? Should we then feel guilty for not using lock down "productively". Of course not! 

Taking a Facebook break, because this was just news articles shared, i went onto Instagram instead. Everyone was so motivated. Why couldn't i be like that? i started to wonder. Why am i sat around gaining weight, while everyone else is out running and baking? 

...it's like i could see the germs manifesting

The more i thought about these things, the more i tried to push myself to doing them. Yes, let's do some workouts, i would tell myself. Halfway through, i just became snappy. I didn't want to do that. It wasn't something i usually do, and it wasn't something i could force myself to do. Yes, lets go out for a long walk in the park. An hour later, looking around at how many people were out sunbathing and playing in the sun, it's like i could see the germs manifesting. I wanted to go home. 

Everyday, emails pop up, reminding us to do something new. Pressuring us to do something. 

One day i wake up, unmotivated, and with feelings i don't even understand. Am i a bad person because i don't want to move off the sofa? Am i "wasting" time. The more i try to force myself to do something, the worse i feel. 

..routine and structure helps calm the mind

Everyone reacts to situations differently. There are the people who are making the most out of it, staying distracted. Then there are others who are carrying on as normal. Nothing new because routine and structure helps calm the mind. 

Suddenly not being allowed to do the things you usually do, can affect you more than you realise. Being so used to waking at a certain time, the routine of getting ready daily, seeing people at work, and the travelling around. When this suddenly has to stop, it can leave you feeling lost. Only seeing the same faces in your house and no one else, can still leave you feeling lonely. 

Do NOT feel guilty for any of this. 

With all the "challenges" to do things and memes claiming this time will let you know who your real friends are based on how much in contact you are, it can leave a person feeling sick and exhausted trying to keep up. 

If you don't feel like smiling today - that's OK. If this week you're not feeling like doing anything - that's OK! 

Put your mental health before "productivity" and don't be so hard on yourself!